Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Dear god my vagina.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
