You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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