I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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