Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
