So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize