did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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