I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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