She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
