Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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