i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
