She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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