Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
