Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
