he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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