I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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