Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
are you so shy because you have an std?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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