He had one of those small greek statue penises
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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