Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize