"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
