It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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