I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
