"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
