And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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