I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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