i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize