So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Drunk is a universal language darling
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