I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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