I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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