dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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