32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
