i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
