I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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