I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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