I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
