oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
