Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
