I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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