cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
