She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
