hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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