Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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