nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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