I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
