The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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