You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
