I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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