Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
did i walk over a car last night?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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