Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
