I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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