you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
