at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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