This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
