When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
