a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize