Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
