You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
