The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
